An update: I updated my phone. Very excited about the new emojis. I've also had the same watch for 3+ years, but it broke and I got a new one. Lots of change over here.
This morning I sent my weekly "Wednesday E-mail" to my Pitt RUF girls, and promptly ate my words.
Here is the relevant part, but if you want to read the rest of the e-mail you can do so here.
Ok so, this morning I was talking to Rachel about how for the past like six academic years I've had a little freak out right before school starts. It usually starts out with me being generally excited, then I remember one responsibility, then like 12 more, then I would remember that if I failed one class, I would not graduate on time. And I couldn't not graduate on time because Baylor ain't cheap, and that didn't fit in with the perfect schedule I had in my head for my life. Then I would remember that at some point I would have to pay sorority dues, and it would all spiral into this "OH MY GOD MY LIFE IS FALLING APART AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO BUT CURL UP IN A BALL IN MY CLOSET AND CRY."
Or one time I cried/hyperventilated on the hike out of Crater Lake, I don't discriminate on location. It was all 30% rational stress, 70% lack of perspective on who God is.
Every year. Except this one, but it could still happen.
This past year I started this thing I call "throwing it up to the Lord." I realized after some particularly heavy one-on-ones that I am not in fact in control, and am simply incapable of carrying my own burdens let alone yours. So after I leave one-on-ones, as I'm praying, I literally lift my hands like I'm throwing a ball upwards. You may have seen me do this on Forbes Ave, if you haven't I would be more than happy to post a vid to my snapchat story this afternoon for your enjoyment.
You don't know what this year is going to throw you, but I can promise you that you cannot do it on your own. You need Jesus. You need God's word. You need to throw this year up to the Lord. It could be the best school year yet, it could be the worst. But we have Immanuel, God with us. Not God on the side cheering us on, not God as the finish line. God with us. A God who is more in control, more loving, more true than we know.
So this year, instead of a pre-freakout, let's pre-pray, and pre-let it go.
"For we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
And then after I went to lunch I freaked out about how the school year is about to start. And year two of the RUF internship is basically like senior year of college where people ask you what you're doing all the time, and you had better have an answer. I had started to think that Romans 8:28 was true for everyone but me.
I was half laughing at the irony of the situation/half wanting to cry to my Kacey Musgraves playlist because what on earth am I doing. And I was sitting in my pity party and opening God's word seemed taxing, but I'm super behind on the scripture part of the study program, and if you're going to climb out of a freakout hole, you have to do it one Gospel truth at a time.
"But by the grace of God, I am what I am," 1 Corinthians 15:10.
By the grace of God, I don't have it all figured out. By the grace of God, I am in Pittsburgh. By the grace of God, I don't know where I'll be next year. By the grace of God, freshman outreach in three weeks is going to be beautifully hectic. By the grace of God, I'm starting half marathon training (I wrote that last one so I would actually do it, gotta use my fear of disappointing people to my advantage). By the grace of God, I am what I am.