Lizzie McGuire: Far from Home

Yesterday, after spin class, I decided I wanted to eat mozzarella sticks in an air-conditioned room full of strangers, so I went to see Spiderman: Far from Home. 

It’s worth noting that I did not know that it was the movies first day in theaters, I just had a hankering for warm cheese, and it was this or wait three hours for “Yesterday.”  

I am no Spiderman expert, my most recent exposure to our webbed friend was the first 45 minutes of “Into the Spiderverse” before falling asleep on a plane. But I did have a Lizzie McGuire enthusiast podcast. I watched the Lizzie McGuire movie six times over the course of a month this Spring. I know the film backwards and forwards. And I am here to say Spiderman: Far from Home is a Lizzie McGuire Movie knock off. 

From the jump, the connections are right there. The school trip to Italy. The dynamics of sitting next to your crush on an airplane. The just friends trying to become more than friends, but oops sharing your feelings is hard. The chaperone shenanigans. The close call with the tour bus. The use of remote controlled robots. The being tricked by an older, handsome, foreign man who at the beginning feels sketchy and then you’re like “ok I was wrong, OH WAIT I WAS RIGHT.” The fashion; Jake G’s onesie, I am looking at you. 

Spiderman: Far from Home will no doubt have more box office success than our dear Lizzie, it’s not difficult to do. But can it take hold of  the zeitgeist in the same way, “Lizzie McGuire, you are an outfit repeater!” has? Can the London Bridge peck between Zendaya and Tom Holland (this time with arms!) hold a candle to Lizzie finally realizing her feelings for Gordo? Can whatever was happening in that final fight scene compare to the suspense in disbelief that watching Lizzie power through “This is what dreams are made of” requires?

Double P did accomplish what we are all supposed to get when we go to Europe; adventure, romance, total confidence. 

It’s 2019, there is nothing new under the sun. We should expect nothing more and nothing less. We should however expect our movies to be demonstrating care for the environment, and not just blatantly using plastic straws with nary a care for the sea turtles.